Finally Friday thank god!! I am looking to foward to a relaxing weekend. I am so mad I have to work Monday Memorial Day!! Everyone is off and we are not. Oh well! Now I just need this day to go by fast so I can start my weekend!

Overall it was a pretty good weekend. Friday I finally got to go on our mini date!! Since the restaurant is so close to home we decieded to walk to the restaurant for dinner. We ate at an Italian Restaurant called La Villa. We had a great dinner. It was so nice and the food was amazing!! We ate the pasta sampler and it was delicious. Since it was so late already we deceided to just head home. Mike got off work way to late and we where both tired. As we walked hoem we held hands and talked. It was so great I love him so much! On Saturday we took the kids to go swimming at Lake Dardanelle State Park. The day was so nice like 89 degrees. They had a good time. Then we took them to get frozen yogurt at Pile High. We paid a few bills , then went to Walmart to buy stuff for dinner. We had a bbq and watched some horror movies! Sunday cleaning day.....I spent most of the day reading a new book I had gotten in the mail called Chasing Daylight!! Loved it...its a really good book about a man that is given 3 months to live after he is diagnosed with cancer in his brain! It is a very powerful book and inspires you to just stop and enjoy life now. Enjoy every second without thinking about the future or another place you rather be. It was just so good I couldnt stop reading lol!! We went to Bona Dea to walk 2 miles headed home and Mike had spent all day smoking some pulled pork!!! Yummy we had dinner and then showers and off to bed!! Today I am tired...like I usually am on Mondays!! But, today I am thankful for having another day of life to enjoy my kids and my wonderful husband!!!

So been reading some blogs today and it seems to all be about weight loss! How it has been so difficult and how for x number of reasons they have not lost weight! I feel I am in the same situation. I feel I give it my all and barely see results. I have been doing the slim fast diet for almost a month now and have lost 12 pounds. But I wanted more! I see my husband who has lost 100 pounds and he still continues to loose! He works at it and gives it 200%. Never gives up ever! I want that motivation! I do not want to ever go back to my previous weight! I am determined to loose the weight and maintain the weight loss so I never see 235 pds again. So today will be I will take this weight loss challenge and hit it full force. So my today pics I will post and again in a month. The full body screen shot so I can see the difference. NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!!!!!!!

                                            05/16/12 at 188 pds

It's not until you see yourself in those full body pics that you realize how bad and unhealthy you look. Ok so here is to loosing at least another 12 pounds in one month!!

Had a nice mother's day. My mom invited us to her house for lunch. We got there and she had gifts for me. I had bought her a beautiful 3 piece candle holder that had sum clear jewels on it. It was so pretty for her coffee table. I was not expecting any gifts. I am not her mom, I am the one that is suppose to be giving her gifts. She gave me a beautiful plant, a necklace, an apron, a journal, and a receipe box with cards. It was a beautiful gift. We ate mexican enchilads with rice and beans . She had also made a cake called the impossible cake. It was very good. Ate a small piece just to try it put lol. After lunch she gave me and Abby about 20 pairs of sandals she had in her closet. We just sat around the table after lunch and we talked about everything. It was nice to have a nice relaxing lunch at my parents. I was reading a few blogs this morning about mother's day. One in particular really caught my attention. I remember as a kid, my mom was everything to me. When I was at school I thought about her and how important she was to me. I would worry that she would forget to pick me up or maybe something would happen to her. I loved her so much that I would wake up in the middle of the night just to check if she was breathing. I looked up to her. She was so beautiful and she was my mom. But, one day when I was about 10. She left with my dad and left us home, she was gone for what seem to me as forever. She had gone on a trip with my dad and was suppose to be back that afternoon and they had car problems and it got dark and she still wasn't home. I cried all day for her worried I would never see her again. I was so scared, it was very terrifying for a 10 year old. But, by the time they got home, I was at the neighbors house crying and so scared. She was embarrased and upset I had "made a scene" as she called it. I was grounded and she spanked me. I layed in my bed and asked myself " How could she be mad at me?" Does she not understand I just spend an entire day crying for her? Does she not relaize how terrified I was? I think that at that very moment I realized I was angry at her and nothing would be the same anymore. I changed I had to. I love my mom so very much but I know that I do not have the relationship I wished I had with her. She was always vey distant with me, when all I wanted was love and attention. I find myslef being jealous of the close relationship that my friends have with their parents. I swore I would not be that way with my kids. I find myself sometimes being that way with my daughter and it hurts me so much becuase I know what she is feeling! I just want her to love my kids, want to spend time with them the way she does with my sister's kids. I have spend my entire adulthood resenting her for the way she has treated me that the smallest signs of affection towards me, I absolutely cherished. Life is too short and I know tommorow is never promised. I need to learn to let go of the past and focus on a better future with my MOM!!! I thank god for giving my children and the oppurtunity to hold them and love them everyday! I am a strong women today because of my mom, I have learned to never depend on anyone for anything! My husband the love of my life is my best friend and the only one who understands what I have been through! Feels good to actually write down all the feeling I had bottled up all these years. As of today, I am letting go!!!!

So excited it's finally Friday! Tought it would never get here. I am looking foward to my weekend with the loves of my life! Stayed up late last night was watching The Vow...had seen it at the theatre but I absolutely love this movie!! It is so amazing, really teaches us that tommorow is never promised. Always live everyday to the fullest and enjoy life. It always makes me cry. How Leo tried so hard to get Paige to love him again. He loved her so much and just like that all her love was erased. Awww I am such a baby I cry with every movie. Seems the older I get the worst I get....everything and anything makes me cry! I find myself sitting on the couch and crying and afterwards laughing at myself feeling dumb! Mike said the other day when we where watching The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. I cried in the part where Salomon sees that women breatfeeding the baby..then she comes downstairs and calld him a retard and threatens him Well that part was really sad cuz he had huge tears in hin eyes and he said " They are my family, and I won't let you hurt them"! Well Mike came up to me and asked are you crying with the movie? I said! He told the kids " Your mom has officially turned gay" !! I busted out laughing with big tears in my eyes! I dont't know whats wrong with me! I am so damn emotional! We cry at least 5 times at day here at work lol!! I have a wonderful boss who I love and adore and a great co-worker in my department that are awesome! We tell each other everything and when one of us is having a bad day and cried we all cry! Today my co-worker is leaving to a better job. I got her a beautiful card and a candle that had big bold letter that said HOPE !! I told her we had been thru so much in the last year and that I was really going to miss her. God had guided us and always held us in his arms every step of the way! I told her because we always have had HOPE...and believed in it things will always be good for both of us! She came in my office and gave me a huge hug and we cried of course lol!! Ok off to work I go. Here is to a great weekend!!!! : )

Today I feel so sore. But, it is a good sore and I am loving it!! I did 6 miles on the ellipitical yesterday morning before work. Then while dinner finished cooking I did 5 more miles to help encourage Iann while he did his 1.5 miles on the treadmill and after dinner I did 5 more miles!! So yes I am sore today but no pain no gain right? I am so ready to be on my size 9 jeans and cute clothes lol!! I have to push my body to do more so I can start to see results quicker...

I was thinking about my babyboy that is my angel in heaven so much today. I look at Trevr who is 4 and wonder if Ivan would have been anything like Trevr is today? Trevr is so funny and cute in so many ways. He is 4 and does not know how to tell time but every day several times a day he asks me
Trevr: " Mom what time is it'?
Me: Why do you want to know what time it is?
Trevr: I just need to know the time!
Me: Are you taking pills or have an appointmet today?
Trevr: Huh??
Me: I swear I don't know any 4 year olds that ask for the time so much like you!!
Me: It's ___!!
Trevr: Thanks mom.....and keeps playing!!!

I really do not know why he always all day long constantly asks for the time. Especially when we are out somewhere he will ask me every few minutes. I tell Mike do you think it's weird that he asks for the time all the time? Mike always tells me he is just curious!! He also ask me every morning when he wakes up what day is today? Maybe he is wise beyond his years! Then he is so loveable he will tell all of us he loves us like 10 times in 1 day! He will be in his room and scream out to me while i'm in the kitchen MOM...and I wil say yes and he goes I LOVE YOU MOM!!!
Awwwww I love that about him!! Kids grow up way too fast and he is my baby!! I just wished I had a chance to share special moments with Ivan too...10 years have past and I still miss him so much!! I sometimes try to remember special things Ivan did and I feel my memory fading over the years!! I feel awful!!! Today I was feeling cheery at work...then right now I am sad over the lost of my son!!

I love this picture...shows just how curious Trevr is!! Mike and I where talking that night and Trevr was listening to every word! Oh and he had just asked me for the time right before I took this pic lol!!!! : )     

Ever wonder how we survived for so long without things that we must have now? Years ago I did not need a cellphone! I was perfectly happy not having one I did not need one but now without my phone I feel lost. I went years when I lived in Houston, TX without a phone. I would call my family once or twce a month to check up on them and that was it. I did not feel the need to constantly be calling people. However, now people rather text than talk! I am guilty of that. I hate talking on the phone and texting is much easier and I can really say anything I want without being afraid or embarassed! My daughter feels that her life will end if she can not check her facebook or text! I am without my cellphone until Friday when my new phone comes in and I must admit I feel lost! Like I am going to miss out on something without my phone! How did we survive before texting , facebook, fancy smartphones lol? So needless to say today I am in the dark ages lol no communication with the outside world. I worry about my kids trying to get ahold of me. So I made sure to call the schools early this morning and gave them my work number. Yesterday when I got to the Boy's and Girl's Club  Abby came outside upset because she had no way of getting ahold of us and Iann had a nosebleed the entire time he was at the club with was 2 1/2 hours. He walked around dripping blood all over the place. So I have to call the club when they open too. I will try to focus on the positive side of not having a phone, no distractions and I get more work done!! I am trying....but it's not working lol!!!!!!! I miss my dearing husband too! I usually text with him a few times a day to check how his day is going!  Oh well until tommorow... BYE for now!!!

It's one of those day...I rather be at home, snuggled under my covers watching a really kool movie! It's raining and it's freezing in my office and I am sleepy! But, I just need to get motivated today! Just can't seem to get there yet. I am pretty excited I weighed myseld 2 days ago and I have lost 11 more pounds..I have been drinking slimfast for breakfast and lunch and just eating dinner. I have been doing this for 1 month so I guess it's working. I also combine it with excercise. I do 7 miles on the treadmill every morning and if I can I try to do 5 more miles after work. I wish my weight loss was quicker but I am rather proud of what I have accomplished so far! I hope to be 50 pounds less by the end of the year lets see how that goes!  

I was all ready to go out to dinner and Abby wanted to go with her friend to Buffalo River. So no date night! But, it's ok we took the kids out to eat mexican food at La Huerta!

Trevr is so funny! Mike has really created a little monster. Every time he poses for a picture now he does that evil looking face! We had a good time with the boys and ate sum really good food. After dinner we went to Hastings and bought a few movies and headed home. We were all reall tired we went to bed early.

We wole up late on Saturday and took the kids to the park and to get ice cream from Johnny's. Just stayed in town went to Walmart, TJ -Maxx, and a few other stores. BOught stuff to have a late night cookout at home. Headed home and fired up the grilled. We made grilled chicken breasts, sausage and sum guacamole dip. We had a few drinks and watched sum movies. Mike had a little too much to drink that night he ended up real sick that night and was super sick Sunday and just layed on the couch all day! Overall a good weekend with the kiddos. NOt ready for another week of work! : (

So very excited that it is finally Friday! I have been hurting since yesterday. My knee I think I must have worked it out too much on the elliptical. Had to put on a heating patch and today a bandage with some Biofreeze I found in the 1st aid kit at work lol. But, I am still happy it is Friday and tonite I get to go out on our mini date. Just out to dinner alone but it's wonderful! I watched a sad documentary movie called 65 Redroses last night. About a girl who had cystic fibrosis and needed a double lung transplant. She got one but her longs gave up after 2 years. She was such a beautiful person inside and out! Just saddens me to read abot so many good and wonderful people taken way too soon! Like my baby boy! Just so unfair! I read so many blogs, read one yesterday and it broke my heart! Anyways I am not going to get sad! I hope to have a good weekend and hope everyone else does too!

                                 See the joy in our faces cuz it's Friday!!!

                              This was taken in October 2011 on my Birthday!

                                     Us at Trevr's 4th Birthday in 2011!

                                       April 21,  2012

April 22, 2012

So today I am feeling in a good mood! I don't know why lol. I guess because tommorow is Friday and since we never ever ever get time alone my babe and I are gonna go out to dinner. A dinner date. Sounds so funny! We need that time for us. Years and years of never spending time alone on dates is awful. I have decided that at the beginning of every month we are going to go out and enjoy ourselves. Even if it is just for an hour or two. I love him so much and I feel that we need this to have an even better relationship. I have noticed that my babe is so much happier now, after his weight loss. Weight not only affects your health but overall it makes you look older and brings you down! It affects everything you do as a whole! Now that we made a decison to not only make weight loss a new change but make it a permanent lifestyle I am really loving it! I started cooking new healthier dishes for the family and on weekends instead of staying home and doing nothing we go out to hikes,bike rides, to the park! We love to do things with the kids outdoors! We are also trying to get Iann my 9 yr old to loose 20 pounds. The dr said he needs to at least loose 20 to be healthier. Iann definetly came out like me. He has always struggled with weight issues and it is sad that kids make fun of that! So I want to help him loose the weight and become a happier kid. He is always so lazy and in a bad mood. He hates leaving the house and spends would spend every minute watching tv or playing video games if we let him. But, we want to reward him when he looses weight so he can see how important it is! Anyways here are some more before pictures of me and my babe! I do see that unhappiness and older look in them!

                                  Beautiful view from my chair of the concert!

                                 Iann trying to stay away from Trevr lol!

                                 Oh that silly bad boy Trevr!!

My babe and his sad look cuz he missed the concert!

I am so very proud of my babygirl. She had her final concert for band yesterday. They did amazing. I was very sad my babe worked so late in Little Rock he could not make it to her concert he was disappointed he really wanted to be there. I love to hear those kids play they do amazing! I had such a hard time with Trevr keeping quiet in that theatre. He just wouldn't be quiet and me trying to tell him to keep quiet was a challenge. All the noises echo so I can hear myself tell him to keep his voice down a million times! He was not interested in that concert one bit! Oh and he had to go pee 20 times too lol! Oh god I was exhausted by the time I got home at almost 9 I was ready for bed! I do not think I can be a full time stay at home mommy I would definetly not have the patience for it! But, I love my kids so much I would not trade them for the world!

Oh well today I will post 2 times. I am was in my office and tho I am proud of the weight I have lost. Compared to last year at this time I am happy. But,I am not where I want to be! I have lost about 55 pounds and I feel great. Just wish I had the energy and the motivation and energy my bae has. He is on the go 24/7. Never runs out of energy. He lifts weights, 10 miles on elliptical machine, 3 miles on treadmill, jogs at the trails, takes Trevr to the park and chases after him, cleans anything and everything he can find to clean outside! Wears me out to see him lol! I have like 1/3 of his energy! I have been doing the slimfast diet within the first 2 weeks I lost 8 pounds but I have tried not to weigh myself anymore. I will wait to do it once a month. It was ok to just drink a shake for breakfast and lunch at first. But, lately I have been getting very bad headaches!

I guess because I don't get any real food until 6 pm at dinner. But, how else will I loose the weight? My babe has lost 100 pds in like 8 months he looks amazing and continues to loose. He went for size 44 pants to waist 32 and from 280 pds to 180 and counting! I am currently in a size 13 from a size 22 w! God I did not know I was that big!!! I had let myself go for so long it is going to take time to get to a healthy weight I know! Just wish it wasn't so hard! That every time I jog a mile I sound like I have ashtma!! That I run out of breath within 5 minutes of jogging! I love my babe and so very happy he got healthy!! He is my inspiration and I will soon be where he is now!

                                Before

                                 Before

After...not quite there yet but working on it!

It's funny how you never realize how big or overweight you are until you start pulling all the photo albums and see all the pictures of you and say "wow"! I have always had problems keeping weight off! I have 2 sisters and they are lucky they did not get the fat genes. They never have to worry about what they eat. I hate that I can not enjoy food and not gain 10 pounds! When I first got married we didn't have a care in the world I guess because we where young! I would wake up make breakfast for my babe and I of 10 eggs, pancakes and bacon on the side. Eat a snack in between breakfast and lunch and then cook a huge meal for lunch. Snack again and then a massive dinner usually late of night of fast food! So needless to say that within the first 2 years of being married I gained way over 50 pounds! I had lost so much weight after hig school working at a grocery store sacking groceries and carrying the groceries out to their car. Only to gain that and more back. I did not care. My babe loved me and I did not care how he looked either. Kids come and it is even harder to loose weight. Your body is never the same. I mean never. I have struggles to get rid of this pudge on my stomach I acquired after having 4 kids and I still can not get rid of it. I hide it though lol! Today as i was clocking in for work a lady I work with told me are you still loosing weight I hesitated to answer because I feel I have not lost anything anymore. But, she said every time I see you I notice you getting smaller. NOT that you where big before. I told her are you kidding me I was huge, enormous, obese! She said i don't remember that! I told her come in my office I will show you pictures. I takw pride in always showing what my babe looks like. How he accomplished so much and lost 100 pounds. But, I never talk about me like I should I guess! I am always just a great supporter and I praise him for what he has accomplished. I looked over my phone and found a few pictures of what I use to look like and she said WOW! I guess I need to start giving myself a little more credit!

So hopefully now that the month of April is gone I can begin to feel a little better. April brigs showers and lots of tears for me. I miss my baby, But, I also have to thank god for giving 3 more amazing kids that I love so very much. Abby is so big and in so many ways just like her momma. We fight all the time but Mike always reminds me that we fight because she is just like me! I always deny it of course lol! But, he is so right. She has my attitude. We have no patience and that has always been my down fall. But she is so beautiful in every way and it scares me that she is growing up so fast and that the boys will not leave her alone. Iann he is my baby I guess more that Trevr. We have had very many scares with Iann with all his seizures, nose bleeds and other health issues over the years. But, I am so thankful he is her and healthy. We will continue to be patient to determine what is wrng with him. Oh and my 4 year big boy Trevr. He is so damn sweet. Very loveable and caring. He is full of questions. He is very smart. I love my 3kids and my loving husband. He is my high school sweetheart. I met him when I was 15. Well he says he saw me at 15 but I dont remember lol. I am so very thankful to have him everyday I love him so much!!